One woman sharing her experience

one woman sharing her experienceWe see more and more articles like this – women sharing their personal experience. They do seem to spark up inevitably the same kinds of responses:

Scorn from men who take it as a somewhat generalized account and who come forward with strong words of denial proclaiming they are nothing like that. Truth and experience be told – they are almost always exactly like that.

Defiant response from women who take it as a generalized account, who’ve come to a conclusion that all men are bastards and won’t be convinced otherwise. Meanwhile they’re waiting for someone as perfect as their illusory self to appear and save them.

Snarky responses from women who have somewhat switched the camp and are now criticizing every woman who dares to express her experience for menbashing.

Few women will recognize that they had the same experiences and will feel empowered to see that this kind of thing is really happening and will be questioning why. Together these women will find a solution simply by sharing their experiences. Awareness and thus consciousness will be raised.

What I’ve never seen so far, is for those people about whom these articles were written to come forward and tell their side of the story. I do find this truly regretful. I would like to hear from those men, so we don’t have to guess anymore. And perhaps that is also part of the problem. Conscious communication is being denied – articles are being written. Articles that often have a slightly angry determined undertone…quite understandably. And I’m glad for them.

The debates that follow are a rife ground for projections of all kind. I suggest that one of the main causes of this is, that we don’t respect these accounts for what they are – mere personal accounts. They’re not to be taken as generalizations, neither as expert opinions. These are just personal experiences not to be taken personally. We can be inspired by them, but that’s about it. We each have to find our own way. Another part of this is, that our culture isn’t used to hear women’s stories expressed and shared honestly. Yet. That in itself seems to be a major trigger for many regardless of gender. By the way, I don’t think any of this is much of a gender issue no matter how it may look to you. The he’s and she’s are fairly interchangeable if you look beyond the surface. There are certainly differences (conditioned, not real) in how men and women conduct themselves in relationships. Understanding is what solves those differences and reveals the sameness underneath. There is no need for fixing or defending what is not real. Just see through it and it disappears on it’s own.

My suggestions for reading those stories are as follows:

Give it the respect a brave sharing of an intimate personal story publicly deserves.
Especially when it’s written in a voice we haven’t heard much of in the recent millennia – the voice of the feminine whether it’s written by a man or woman, whether it’s angry and messy and confused and seeking, hold space for it for you have that voice deep inside you too. Take it as a practice for learning to hear it.

Don’t take it as an advice.
Whether the author came to her own conclusions or list of solutions for how to deal with this, is just another part of their story. You will find your own solutions. The generalized advice in most articles is just a symptom of a misunderstanding of how life works. People think that what worked for one will work for everyone. It completely misses the point of how we create our experience. Even if the author is perceived as some kind of authority in their field, don’t listen for advice – you have your own authority.

The saddest, most striking and most often unnoticed part of this is, that within the self-help circles where these articles most often circulate, what most of us haven’t clocked yet is, that it’s a human issue, not a gendered one. An issue that starts with the repressed feminine=emotion within ourselves/all of us.. We can’t hear or hold space for our own feelings, we don’t hold our boundaries, we feel we need someone else to meet our emotional needs, thus we can’t give that space to freely express to others. As soon as someone mentions relationships, it turns into ‘men this, women that’ battle. We cease to be all human and instead are separated into ‘us=good’, them=bad’. We forget that we are human. I don’t believe that the men who left me without explanation were bad. They were lovely actually, I’m sure they had their own reasons that had little to do with me. I’m also not naive enough to believe that we are all good through and through. Look close enough, unpeel a few layers and you’ll see that we are all made up of everything.
I think that we can do only so much work on discovering where we are going by ourselves, sometimes we need a passer-by to show us what we can’t see, that’s why I believe it’s important to honor even the micro relationships and be willing to let them go, precisely because we don’t know best what we need yet…we may know what we want, but what we need is what comes (and leaves), and we need to learn to accept that…

I also don’t believe that an unresolved mother/father complex is an obstacle for relationship. Unwillingness to work through it is, but that’s upon everybody’s personal choice how they will deal with theirs.
If I have unanswered questions, they’re mine to solve, nothing to do with the other person. Keep looking within for the answer, and all out there will become resolved.

One more thing I’d like to add. A very sad phenomenon is that women who were treated badly resort to checking what did ‘they’ do wrong first. They analyze their own behavior to see whether they’re acceptable, whether they should improve (themselves), and only when they conclude that in their mind they’re good enough, they’re ready to lash out the blame on the other party. What remains missed is the fact that from the beginning there was an unconscious intention to find someone at fault. As if it wasn’t enough to be ourselves, as if the journey was about finding someone guilty of being imperfect, being human. There is so much shame about making mistakes that few of us dare to admit to them and look ourselves honestly in the eye. Maybe that’s the biggest obstacle to working relationships – that we can’t be honest even to ourselves, and second, that we can’t be alone with ourselves, that we can’t let people go their own way.

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